i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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