I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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