haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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