I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
