I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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