All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
