What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
