Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
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