Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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