i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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