I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
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