I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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