Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
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