I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I made him laugh his dick is mine
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
