How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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