you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
