If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
