John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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