my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
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He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
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This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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