bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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