I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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