We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
