If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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