Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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