Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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