guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Randomize
