Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
