The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
