Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
