best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
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