mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
