I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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