Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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