I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
