Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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