Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
My underwear smells like fireworks.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
