I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
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