Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
