Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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