I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
