you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
