just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize