I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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