Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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