I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
