its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
