While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
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I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
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She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize