once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
