I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
