who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize