Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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