you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
