When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
