I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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