Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
