my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
