Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
