She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Randomize
