Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
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