My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
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