the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I'm at about main and main street
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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